I’ve started questioning existence a lot more lately. Is this really my life… Despair has taken ahold of me. Desperate for relief is what I am. Memories of the past keep creeping up on me. They flash before my eyes when I wake up. I experience every bad thing that has happened to me in my dreams. These dreams and feelings make me feel deformed. There were times when I still felt like I was somewhat of value for this society. But these days I feel like a leech… A social parasite. I’m beat-up, I’ve let the people around my use me up until I had no energy left. They’ve used my body for multiple things. It has become clear to me that I prostituted myself for some form of attention. At first after some bad things happened there were days when I was still full of hatred. At least those days felt like I’ve had something to live for. Searching for revenge is what I did. Fantasizing about slicing those fuckers throats. But I’m not slicing anything except my own legs. There filled with scars almost like some sort of ladder. You can climb to the top of the ladder and my prick will be hanging there flaccid. Because there is no more soul in me. I think it got fucked out of me when I was drugged. Passed out on some friend’s couch. First it was you getting fucked by someone else. Something I couldn’t handle. After that it was just black-outs and flashes of bad memories, those memories turned out to be traumas. Things you relive over and over and over again. I kept supressing them with downers, trying to keep awake with uppers. I became even more of a useless body. Free for other people to use. To cling on to, just as a support tool to use. They would make some half-ass commitment to me and then do all those things that you also did. Some worse than others. They themselves make mistakes and you get the blame for it. When that happens a lot you just start assuming that they are right and it’s you that is indeed always wrong. You become A manifestation of failure, a manifestation of something with no self-respect. But that’s okay, at some point It becomes okay. Because you start to realise this body means nothing to you no-more. You started to feel like you’re falling in some bottomless abyss. Then you start to think, how do I get out of this abyss. That’s when you meet a new person, someone that excites you, who seems like a good partner. Someone whom you think of has there life together. You stick close to this person. Think about them day and night. You think the person is perfect, it has no flaws. But something seems off, it seems to good to be true. It just feels just feel odd. Something small happens, they call you out on it and you apologize without even knowing what you did wrong. But this person, this person who seems to respect seems to be put off by your behaviour. So, it must be true. You must be wrong. I must be wrong. There must be something wrong with me. I’ve must have lost all form off self-reflection. What is it that I’m doing wrong to let these people into my life. How do I climb out of this abyss??